Getting Smaller. Feeling Stronger A Journey Back To ME!
Where to begin
There are only two books ever written that have changed me. The Bible has saved my soul and Trim Healthy Mama has saved my life. I have been overweight my entire life by my own doings for different reasons at different stages. My biological father walked away from our family when I was around the age of 2. As a child I was raised by a HARD-working mother who did everything in her power to give my 3 siblings and me what we needed. I was also raised from the age of 3 on by an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive alcoholic stepfather. He drank away everything my mom worked so hard to provide. This left us quite poor. Our main staples of food were potatoes, macaroni & cheese, corn on the cob, cereal, bread, bologna, hotdogs and canned salmon which I hated! Snacks were usually ice cream, chips & dip, and popcorn. My all-time favorite after school snack was bread covered in butter coated with sugar! As a child I didnt know any better.
Enter my teen years
I spent my teen years knowing I was much heavier than my peers which left me feeling isolated and depressed. I never got asked out and I never fit in. I always over compensated to feel accepted by being a follower, overly nice to the point of being used, and learned how to act with extreme happiness and positivity. All the while lonely and broken inside. I never had to act for food. It was my soul comfort. I found God and was saved around the age of 13. I knew He was the missing piece to what I needed in my life but I never fully learned to give control OF my life to Him. Those years were filled with self-inflicted sadness, emptiness, loneliness, bitterness and anger. I graduated high school weighing 210 lbs.
Enter my adult years and the man Id always prayed for
I met my husband when I was 20. He was everything I had prayed for nice, hard-working, a Christian and DEPENDABLE! I longed for that quality in a man the most I think. He was also raised the exact opposite of me! Blessed from a loving Christian home, it was the sanctuary I longed for. But with that came resentment towards my husband who, as hard as he tried, couldnt understand my fits of anger and depression. Again, I turned to food. I didnt expect anything from it and it didnt expect anything from me. Along came two amazing children who are now incredible adults. My next excuse for not taking care of me was because I didnt have time. I was too busy taking care of everybody else. I inflicted all my pain on the ones I love the most for so many years. Only by the grace and mercy of The Lord living and breathing in my husband, children, son-in-law, extended family and friends do they still love and accept me!
Enter the year that changed my entire future
In 2014 I asked my supervisor out of curiosity why did you hire me. She responded if we had hired someone attractive and thin, Ryan (the boss) wouldnt get any work done. Even though I was heavy, I always tried to stay positive in life. That moment though killed any spirit I had left. I not only quit that job, but I quit my family, my will to live, any hope I had and I quit me. I decided suicide would be the best for everyone but Im a Christian and knew God would be pretty ticked off if I took the easy way out. I convinced myself I could die by food suicide and no one would know the difference! Since I had a husband that longed to see me happy, he was more than willing to be my enabler. I topped the scale at 315 lbs. I felt close to death. I couldnt walk from the couch to the fridge without being out of breath. I would cry from the pain in my knees walking up the 4 steps to our house and I was only 45. My lowest point came when my husband showed his unconditional love in the most humiliating way and started washing certain areas because I couldnt reach. Everyone has their own personal demon to fight and mine was food. I had reached the pissed off at myself moment. All my years of anger finally found me. And I prayed harder than Ive ever prayed before
Enter my saving grace
God heard my cry all those years and answered it through a Facebook friend who had liked a page called Trim Healthy Mama. I believed and bought the book. I could just feel the love, support, passion and prayer that Pearl and Serene poured into that book. Im such a drive thru Sue as the book states. Ive also wasted a ton of money buying workout videos that I would sit and WATCH, all while downing an entire bag of peanut M&Ms! I had started a new job that required an incredible amount of walking, with an amazing, supportive supervisor! Ill never forget the day she told me Youre stronger than you think you are. Since February 2015, Ive lost 100 lbs. and claimed victory over my life for the first time! Im not where I need to be yet, but Im not where I was before either. My greatest scale victory was the day I weighed 199 lbs. and God reminded me I had a gap in my legs for the first time! My thighs were no longer rubbing together! God showed me that gap to remind me about the sinful thoughts He continues to bring me out of about myself, the strength He reminds me that I have within myself, and the bondage cocoon Ive kept myself in that Hes breaking me free from. My proudest non-scale victory is I conquered one of my biggest fears heights and rode ALL the rides at Cedar Point! Mainly because I was so proud to fit in the seats! What Im trying to say is if I can YOU can!
Keep it simple. Some of my favorites are the THM Lazy lasagna, Swedish meatballs, and the pancakes! I love the Pristine Whey Protein Powder, Baking Blend, Gentle Sweet and Super Sweet Blend. I remind myself of the basics of Trim Healthy Mama which is to always eat fat in a lower carb setting and carbs in a lower fat setting. Also, remember, you are only eating for one! Lastly, MOVE your body! Many times I begged God Give me the strength to take just one more step! Find something you enjoy and dont stop. Willpower is nothing more than a conscious decision to do whats best for you daily. No one can do it for you. God believes youre worth it and so do I. Isnt it time to believe in yourself?